“I always viewed sex as a two-person thing, and now when I try to do it on my own it’s not as enjoyable.”
. . .
Debby shines through her most honest self. Our conversations on sex were never few or far in between, but rather a topic we shared much comfortability with. During this interview, Debby sat across from her sibling, someone whom I later tried to interview but struggles with a very different level of comfort when discussing sex. Debby shared her experiences with an effortlessness, noting that she has grown in her comfort of discussing sex not only with others but also while around others. Although she struggled throughout her adolescence, Debby always strive to be the best she could be while breaking so many of the traditional rules she was expected to follow. Undeniably true to herself, in all her intelligence and brilliance, Debby demonstrated that although one can be comfortable with these conversations, it may not translate to one’s comfort with their own bodies. After being asked, she also noted that in her youth she received formal sex education in 7th grade and biology class but like others noted, it was fear-based (std focused) and not sex-positive or LGBTQIA+ inclusive.
How do you define your sexuality?
I would say I’m like 95% straight and 5% whatever the fuck because I feel like no one’s really 100% anymore right? Sometimes I see girls and I’m like “oooo” but they’re usually masculine. I always wonder is my attraction just because of their masculinity? I don’t know really.
How did you come to define your sexuality?
Trial and error. Like in high school I went through a phase. I know a “phase” has a negative connotation, but I think it was necessary. I say that as it’s not something that I ended up settling on, but it’s something I had to try for myself.
How do you define your gender? How did you come to define your gender?
I am a woman (she/her). That’s one thing I never really questioned so it’s just always been that way for me.
What did your virginity mean to you, if anything?
It had different meanings and meant different things to me [throughout] my life. At first, I didn’t take it seriously. I knew the first person wasn’t gonna be last but now I wish I had taken it more seriously. Now, I understand why people say to save it. You really dont get it back but I dont think it’s as important or as serious as people make it out to be because that makes people scared. I do think you should take it seriously, and not give it away willy nilly though.
Were you influenced by family, religion, or other things that limited your sexuality/gender/ or expression of sex?
No. Nobody told me I had to be straight. My family is not really religious, and also not that educated about LBTQIA+like that so there was no discussion in general. I was just free to think what I wanted with who I surrounded myself with outside of family. I wouldn’t say it was limited. If anything, what did limit me was my social awkwardness otherwise no limits.
What is one thing you wish you’d known sooner?
Damn… I don’t know man… I wish I just knew everything sooner. I think that would’ve made it easier for me to make a smarter decision on who I did it with. I think it would’ve been different if I just knew more about the sex in general. I would have made a more educated decision which mine was not.
What is one nonsexual thing you find sexual?
I’ve always had a thing about arms. Like nice toned arms, but not like muscly.
What is an interesting sexual experience you’ve had (whether alone or not) that you’d like to talk about?
I had sex on a hiking trail. We saw this treehouse zipline thing and decided it was a great spot to do it at. I also had sex in a public bathroom in baseball field but because it was gross I didnt touch anything. It was on our bucket list, and we did it just to say that we did. It was over in 10 minutes.
I feel like it was a fun thing to do. Thats the thing, sex doesn’t always have to be intimate. Especially if you’re in a relationship with someone and it’s someone that you trust, it really, truly, can just be for fun– another bonding experience to add to the list.
What do you wish you knew more about (sex-specific)?
I wish I knew more about masturbation. I always viewed sex as a two person thing, and now when I try to do it on my own its not as enjoyable. It’ll never match up to having it with another person. It’s not sad but I feel like I’m missing out but I feel like that’s just how it is for me. I think it would have been nice to know things in general as a girl because I still don’t prioritize getting checked out. There was no dialogue about it whatsoever and now I feel naturally uncomfortable to go to the gyno or doctor even though I am an adult and can go. I know sex-ed’s a thing in school, but I think lack of sex conversations and lack of [adequate] sex-ed creates more stigmas. Even having gone through sex-ed, I don’t feel comfortable going to the doctor. I didn’t find out about UTIs and yeast infections until recently. I thought yeast infections were explicitly caused by sex to sex but it isnt, you don’t get taught that. I think that just makes things more complicated when you’re so uncomfortable you can’t talk about sex. Growing up, I always thought about going to go get checked out, but I never was comfortable asking my mom since I thought yeast infections were tied to sex. I couldn’t tell my parents because I thought then there would be questions. I think it should be more of the normal thing to do, and even now I know of people who are sexually active but think home remedies work because they weren’t ever taught or couldn’t ever talk to people about it.
Is there anything you do that you feel is different from the norm?
I feel like I’m as normie as it gets. I used to and still think it’s more intimate to have oral sex than pentrative sex. I don’t know if that’s weird or not…
When I first had sex I just wanted to have [penetrative] sex, i didnt wanna do any of the pregame stuff before sex because I didnt know him that well. I don’t know I always thought that was kinda weird.
Do you think your sex falls within the heteronormative, why or why not?
Yeah, because it is. I’ve only had sex with a guy and I identify as a girl.
How do you care for yourself whether before, during, or after sex?
I don’t. Some people always shave before, and I dont give a fuck. I just shower and brush my teeth before, and after.
Is there any advice you’d give to others?
I would say make sure it’s with someone you know a little bit. It’s not just a trust thing but you don’t wanna be vulnerable to someone you don’t know. I feel like it’s more enjoyable with someone you know to some degree. I feel like casual is fine but if you really don’t know someone it may not be as enjoyable if you really really don’t know the person. Also be safe.
Have you ever had sex for items, money, etc?
This is gonna get a little serious but it wasn’t explicitly said that we would do this for this it was more embedded in there like you’ll do this for something. I don’t think it should be that way especially if it’s like the situation i was in. I don’t think you should do it period unless you really don’t mind and want to. I don’t think that’s how you should start doing it. I think you should be doing it for your own enjoyment and then later if you don’t mind and you really want money, lunch, whatever then that’s fine. I feel like if that’s your start and your basis you’ll view it like that like an exchange.
. . .
To all my readers and interviewees this is an open letter to yall:
Masturbation is completely, unequivocally NORMAL. Whether you chose to dip your toes (or fingers) into the water it is all completely your decision.
I want to emphasize that we, the human race, often stigmatized everything we think must be private. I want to be very clear that I am not sitting here writing these interviews and articles from an all knowing standpoint. I’m also positioned as someone who wants to learn, grow and understand the intricacies of everything we’ve stigmatized.
So here it comes, until recently I also stigmatized masturbation *shocking right?*
NOT!
From a very young age, and I mean YOUNG like toddler, young, most of us are taught that touching our genitals is evil, forbidden, and even shameful. But what we did not know is that masturbation is healthy and actually a part of every child and teens development.
From an early age, children learn to pair good sensations with their genitals. Believe it or not, children learn to explore their bodies like they explore most things — by rubbing, touching, or pulling on it. There are actual ultrasounds and research to show that even fetuses do it in vitro. If the thought of everyone masturbating in their parents tummy doesn’t prove masturbation to be normal, I don’t know what else to tell you.
Just kidding, here’s a few more reasons it’s perfectly fine and normal:
Why is masturbation important?
What can an orgasm give you?
Masturbation has health benefits. It relieves stress, period cramps, pains, and ——. Masturbation does not make extra hair grow between your fingers, it does not cause your body to blisters, or ——
Masturbation can involve toys, lube, a partner, or even nothing at all.
Are toys necessary?
Stigma around single person sex and pleasure
Daily routines
What were some myths you were told about masturbation?:
-normalizing stis/stds
-pleasure vs reproduction
-self pleasure and comfort
-take heternormativity away from sex so pleasure and self can be centered
-alo doing that takes the idea of purity, cleanliness assumptions, and pressure away from figuring out on your own
New York Times “Why Is Children’s Masturbation Such a Secret?”: HERE
Research on child development and masturbation: HERE
Planned Parenthood on masturbation: HERE
Lifewflo 
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