I Don’t Believe in Marriage

Circa 2005, I was standing in the kitchen of the place I still call home, and it was now one of my duties to learn how to sweep. My grandmother, the matriarch of the house, swept every day, and therefore, when I became a wife, I would also have to know the ritualistic practice of tidying. But when the time came to learn, the direction I was given was not one I expected. 

“Não faz, isso ou você não vai ao altar.” 

My vovó always told me not to sweep my feet, or I’d curse myself with a lifetime of no marriage. So I stood tall, looked into her eyes, and swept her feet. And then I swept mine. 

I remember her stifling a giggle before the tone of her voice shifted to the next demand. 

Maybe the broom was not all-powerful like she feared, but today, I joke about how my desire for marriage was collected in the bristles. 

Before we go on, you should know a little about me. Two important things:

Hear me out; If a monogamous marriage is what you seek, I encourage you to do as your heart desires. But after turning 25, and attending more weddings this year than in my lifetime, I have only solidified my desire to personally avoid marriage.  I do not see it in my cards now or in the future. 

The reason for this?

My abundance of love. 

Sounds contradictory, right? 

Well, for me, I believe that my love is infinite, intentional, and my love is not emptied when loving one person. If anything, I am filled with more love to share. For me, the taste of love makes me want it more fully, more intimately, and with more people. And when I, at 17-20, fell and maintained love with two very different people at the same time, I realized that my love was not monogamous. Not realizing what this meant at the time, I began to think, “Well, maybe all queer people dislike the idea of marriage or commitment.”

Boy, was I wrong! It was only through learning about polyamory [learn more about what polyamory is here] that I began to understand my own feelings revolving around marriage. And, like a wave came all of the possibilities that I could have for my future. Not only did I confirm that marriage is not in my wheelhouse, but I also deciphered my reasoning:

As a person who actively practices polyamory, I am not willing to conform to the idea of one ideal love or partnership. I hold myself to the responsibility of accepting that I will not be with one partner for the rest of my life. I will not have the same partners in all my stages. I believe that being a responsible polyamorous person is challenging the “my one and only” fairytale and pushing oneself to be present in my current loves. Marriage, for me, doesn’t allow for that presentness. Marriage would reduce other partners to less than the spouse, in many ways (financially, with housing situations, family, kids etc.). 

So no, I don’t believe in marriage (for myself or my situation). I believe in loving limitlessly despite the socialized traditions that have swept us away. And sometimes, folks can do that and have marriage, but as of now, I’m comfortable with my structure.

If the sound of this hasn’t scared you off yet, or maybe you’re thinking “how do I open up?” Check out my 43 page workbook on non-monogamy here. If you are looking for more personal and guided support, Schedule an appointment with me today). I specialize in kink, BDSM, non-monogamy, and sex therapy.