STOP HAVING (bad) SEX!

Within the first few weeks of therapy with my couples, I usually ask them to stop having sex. 

Hi, I’m Flo Oliveira. I am a Marriage and Family Therapist with a specialty in sex, non-monogamy, and bdsm/kink. And yes, I do tell almost all my couples to stop having sex. 

If you come to me with:

Issues of imbalanced desire 

Fears surrounding sex 

Pain during sex 

Difficulties speaking to your likes/dislikes 

Feelings of pressure 

Bad/traumatic relationship with sex 

A potentially sexually coercive partner 

I would most likely remove sex off the table for a few weeks, BUT this is only the first step. 

There are one of two reasons for taking sex off the table: strategic intervention or variable reduction 

Initially, during the first few sessions if I find there is an issue within the categories listed above, the immediate response is to prevent further harm. In most cases, one of the partners has begun to experience a negative response  to sex and/or harbor resentment for the partner they feel obligated to please. Due to this, the relationship often begins to suffer, connection is changed, and one or both partners begins to experience unsatisfactory sex (thereby propelling the negative response cycle further). 

In the last three years I have taken sex off the table with over 50 couples and the results have been fantastic. The majority of couples I’ve worked with have found themselves in a newly exciting sex-life filled with tools in which they connect, pleasure each other, and get their needs met. 

I’d be remiss to not mention that the other couples, the minority, that have not had the same results. This is where variable reduction comes into play. What I have found is that individuals who experience sexual coercion and abuse from their partners often experience their first few weeks of relief when sex is off the table. Though sex being off the table is usually met with tactics of manipulation, anger, volatility from their partners, we ultimately see the issue. Once it is out in the open, I prevent us from moving towards the next steps in our couples work together. These are the couples that should and usually do break up. Given that variables were reduced, we were able to find the root cause of the issue, abuse, and begin addressing that first. 

Although there are folks who do break up during this first step, I have yet to see a healthy couple split or stop attending due to sex being taken off the table. Most of the time, sex has become such an issue in their relationship, removing it seems no different than what they are doing (I.e barely having it). Of course, removing sex is a time limited step followed by several other exercises and sessions of therapy. 

For those of you thinking, maybe I should take sex off the table too, DONT. If you found yourself resonating with any of the qualifications I listed above, let’s book an appointment. 

It’s okay to need a little more support, and attempting to take these steps without guidance could hurt your relationship more in the end. Whether alone or with your partner(s), I’d love to work with you at Love Heal Grow Counseling – Schedule an appointment with me today).