Even when we are aware of changes to our body and how transitioning may impact our libido, sometimes we still end up experiencing the stuckness or “spectator” problem.

Spectatoring is a common but distressing experience where a person is essentially just going through the motions while their mind is wandering. Sometimes it can feel like floating above the bed, watching yourself, or mentally “checking out” during sex. It happens for different reasons, but a few reasons can fall within the categories of dysphoria, anxiety, and stress.

Last week we talked about how rewriting your pleasure map can be difficult. Spectatoring can also occur when we are in this process of adjustment. We may know that we are moving in the right direction for ourselves, but parts of us may need their own time to catch up. The idea here is not to “fix” this experience, but to learn what your body is telling you.

For example, a couple of common experiences your body could be alerting you to fall within these three categories:

• No-no squares alert: Parts of the body that are “off-limits.”
• Sensory Overload alert: The feeling of “too much” or “not enough” of a specific or compounded sensation.
• Fear alert: The fear or hiding feeling you may get when unwanted parts of your body are exposed.

These alerts do not need to be fixed, stopped, or ignored—instead, they should be sat with!

It is easy to fall into ignoring and pushing through the feeling, but eventually, it will compound into more harm than good for you, your body, and your psyche. There is research that shows doing unwanted intimate acts, even when you have consented, can cause similar feelings to that of non-consensual experiences [1]. This is often where folks get stuck, but breathing can become a bridge to healing. Whether you are experiencing the fight, flight, or freeze response, pausing and using specific breathing mechanisms can help you evaluate what your body is saying.

What I want to be careful not to do here, though, is to minimize how stressful the experience of spectatoring can be. And I don’t want to pretend it will be fully solved by simple breathing techniques. Sometimes the thing that truly helps is having weeks of preparation and visualization of what things will look, feel, and be like.

Below, I am going to outline some changes folks can expect with HRT. I also have a few posts on my Instagram depicting these changes more clearly and in bite-sized graphics. But here’s the gist:

• There will be bottom growth or shrinkage.
• There will be more or less hair.
• There will be skin, sweat, voice, and body fat changes.
• Desire and sexual drive will feel different.
• Your emotional parts will feel different.

Box Breathing for Somatic Grounding. Source: VectorMine / Getty Images 

What’s left is for us to sit with these realities. Read other folks’ experiences. Watch other folks’ transition videos. Allow yourself to grieve, hold, and be excited for these changes. There are so many to come, and they may not all feel great, feel bad, or be your finish line.

Then, and only after we have created our safe processing space, can we go on to outline what feels scary, triggering, and what you need to build confidence around. You can also outline what you may need to hear or not hear from those around you. Add things for yourself that make you feel most comfortable (e.g., a specific scent, a certain type of touch, or a specific piece of gear). Role-play different scenarios alone, in front of the mirror, or with a trusted third party. Try things on, take them off, dance in different ways, hold different parts of your body, and let go of other parts. And when you have your moment, know it’s part of the process. Remember your preparation, remember the stories, remember your own experience can be wildly complex and different, and give yourself time to breathe.

Your body doesn’t have to be “finished” or “perfect” to be deserving of pleasure. Euphoria is a skill you build, not a destination you reach. This week, identify one “Euphoria Trigger”—something that makes you feel deeply connected to your gender—and find a way to incorporate it into your life. Next week we will uncover more things that can help some of us to prep for changes.

[1] Impett, E. A., & Peplau, L. A. (2003). Sexual Compliance: Gender, Relationship Context, and Psychological Well-Being. Journal of Sex Research.